You want out of the misery. You are sleeping in the guest room, or your partner is. You think he's hiding money or you think she's having an affair. Every conversation turns into a fight. You wake up in misery and go to sleep in misery. The rest of your life looks dismal. She gains weight and he starts drinking.
If you are like most couples, at this point you are about to make some marriage and family therapist some money. She'll listen to the same story she's heard a thousand times and she knows she's just a pit stop on the way to divorce court.
I'm not going to tell you not to see the therapist - go ahead and try. But if the writing is on the wall, I am going to tell you to start reading what it says.
Most women initiate the counseling sessions. Hope springs eternal and women seem to think "Oh, if we could only talk about this, everything will be ok." It is this same unrealistic, fairy tale optimism that ends up making them very, very miserable in divorce court.
What has happened over the last decade in divorce is less than ethical. In fact, it is downright disgusting. Power and control and manipulation are the keywords. Lives are ruined.
If you think, "It couldn't happen to me," you are already at risk. If you think, "How bad could things be?" you are asleep and a nightmare is about to hit you. Here's an example of how bad it can get:
Today I listened to some attorneys discussing dirty divorce tricks. Here's one: slowly putting drugs in your spouse's food so a hair follicle test will test positive. Presto chango, the victim loses everything. Can't happen? Just keep on thinking that and you might be the next victim. Your naivete can and will hurt you. Maybe it won't be drugs in your food, but it could be slowly moving funds out of the joint accounts in order to financially marginalize a spouse and then file for divorce knowing she can't hire an attorney. It's witching hour: do you know where your money is? Did it just zip off through the electrons to an offshore account?
One of my clients just found out her husband has been communicating their entire marriage (ten years) with a girlfriend from 25 years ago. Guess which one has the expensive pit bull attorney and which one is running scared?
Today, both women AND men are being told to make false domestic violence claims. Forget the fact it is illegal, this is morally reprehensible. The one convicted loses custody and money and the lawyers know it.
Why has the face of divorce changed? Many reasons and they don't all matter - but this one does: the word is out: there is money, big, big, money to be made in the divorce field. Since the cap on personal injury awards many personal injury attorneys have been switching to family law. The hourly rate of a divorce attorney is about twice that of most civil attorneys.
If you want out of a bad marriage, you deserve out. But not so that it means you lose everything and spend thousands doing so. Women - remember this: you will have a harder time getting an attorney than your spouse does. Most attorneys know that most women don't control the family finances. That's a red flag which means they will have to motion the court for attorney fees with no guarantee they'll get it. This is the type of information you need to know to begin planning your divorce.
Planning, information and goal setting are the miracle three that will help you survive a divorce in today's dog eat dog world of divorce.
Men have it a bit easier - but not always. They have to know what a revengeful spouse might do if caught in an affair or what a bitter female lawyer or judge might do to them.
The ONLY way to stop a train wreck of a divorce is to not engage in one. But if the other side plays dirty, the playing field isn't level. Why should you lose the kids because he puts drugs in your food? Why should you lose the right to see your kids because she made a phony call to the police? DON'T DO THESE THINGS. Take control of the divorce and play fair. The only way to take control is through information - if you don't know what is possible, you don't know what can happen.
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